Using that Voice I'm Working on Finding

Using my Voice...



I tried last week to write about finding my voice, but couldn't get it together. My friend Dee brought up that it's not really the finding of your voice but it's the learning to USE your voice that's the challenge.

The finding my voice/using my voice struggle came to light recently with an issue at work.  One  Mucky Muck insisted I do something I had no power to do, then when I didn't do it immediately, he went over my head to a Head Honcho, who went to another Grand Poobah, and then down to his Minion (who was still over me as I am the low woman on the totem pole) and she came back to me and said "do that one thing you have no power to do".*  I was furious. I stewed. Finally I suggested that if they wanted this done and they were going to go over my head, maybe they should just handle it themselves rather than reporting to each other and then coming back to me. Or...here's an idea. Speak to the person directly who can actually do what you want. I was furious at being told to handle something that I had no power to handle.

So I used my voice, but not as effectively as I probably could have. And that's what I want to work on. Rather than stewing.
Because using your voice is reclaiming your power. Your dominion over yourself. I know I am the low person in the hierarchy and I am ok with that. Everyone starts somewhere.  But treat me with respect. Acknowledge what I can do and don't expect me to do something that I can not.

And once I find that voice and use it, don't you dare tell me to "lower" it. When my voice gets loud, I am well aware of it. My voice is high and it carries. B.F.D. If it's loud, it's because I want to be heard. Being told to "lower your voice" is essentially saying "I don't want to hear what you are saying".  It makes my blood boil.

Which brings me to the Grammys. If you did not see Kesha's performance, watch it now. There is a woman who has found her voice.  Her song "Praying" was the perfect response to years of abuse and exploitation by her former producer.  Emotional and fierce, she took the high road and instead of wishing he explode in flames...she just suggested maybe he should be praying he didn't. She is a woman who has taken back her power.



So here's to all of us, women and men, finding and using our voices. Communicate. Interact. Listen.

More communication cannot be bad. Even if it's loud.

*Caveat: I love my job. This was one bad experience. For the most part everyone has been beyond kind, helpful and considerate. The problem started with someone from outside my company. And I handled it. Not as smoothly as I would have liked, but I'm satisfied with my response.

Monday at 8:29pm

Monday, 8:29pm

Well, the plan was to do a post on finding my voice, on learning to speak up for myself, on making myself heard. And I can hear the moans from my mother, among others...."O Lord, that girl does NOT need to find her voice."  But. But. I guess I really could not find my voice. Or find the right way to get the words on paper so they made sense and made a point.

Because it is something I am working on. I've been told more than once recently that I am "too nice". I've caught myself smiling and nodding when my brain is thinking "Hell, no! You did NOT just say what I think you did."   Part of that is being at work where I am paid (meagerly, but paid none the less) to be the smiling face at the door that greets people. Part of that is my nature. And I have realized recently that a lot of it is how I was raised. Not to say I was raised meek, but more raised in the ways of the times.

Me. On my birthday.

Smiling and greeting all the patients. 

And being agreeable. 

Even to the jerks.

Of course I also believe I am extremely independent and a decent writer and very capable and also very tall.   Some of the above facts are not actually true. They are "alternative facts."   That's ok. Apparently alternative facts are just as good as real ones these days.

So...instead of writing about how I haven't found my voice but am trying to, I will update you on my most recent project: Painting the vanity and mirror.

It was going to be a charcoal gray to complement the light gray bed. Then Neighbor Sue mentioned how much she liked the original color and how well it went with the gray. And Neighbor Sue is the Queen of Color. Mostly PINK!  That got me to thinking. The teal is really pretty and one of my favorite colors. It plays nicely with the gray and would be happy with some pink and navy thrown in.

The starting point which is going to be pretty similar to the ending point. 

Only better. 

An almost identical teal was found at Lowe's. The mirror has been painted and the first coat of wax applied. The top layer of wax will be darker to bring out the grooves of the wood.
The plan is to paint the wall behind the bed navy. Friend Liddy's suggestion. (This is decorating by sorority. A sorority with no dues. Ha! As if.)   That should make the light gray bed pop.

Imagine the wall behind the bed is navy. 

Pretty, yes? 

Hey! The whole room might get painted navy. It's a big space with maybe enough light to pull it off.
Anyway, I'm painting away IN  THE BEDROOM because the basement is just too chilly. Drop cloths have been strategically placed over the carpet and running up one wall. Paint is applied with care.

Then.

I learned a lesson.

If you are going hold the paint can, make sure you have a really good grip on it.

Otherwise, this happens:

 Yep. 

That's a stripe of teal paint on the wall, the wall heater, the drop cloth.

And a puddle of paint on top of the vanity. 

 But not on the carpet.

The paint can slipped from my hand, dropping straight down about 10" to  the top of the vanity. And splashed. All the way over to the wall.  The vanity top now has a fairly heavy coat of paint on it. And the wall will definitely be painted navy sooner rather than later. Miraculously the carpet is still beige.

In spite of my carelessness, the painting is coming along nicely.

Soooo, even though that was a big mishap and now there's a great big line down the wall, it got me to thinking.   Can't find my voice, but I can give some solid advice:
Hold on tight.
Take that as you wish.

••••••••••••••

I also spent the morning/ day trying to get tickets to see Hamilton in Denver. I followed all of the rules, logging in at 9:00am to get in line in the virtual waiting room. At 10:00am I was given the number in line of 71,415. Googling the number of seats in the theater, multiplying that by the number of days the show would be running and well....there would be no tickets for me. Determined to hang in there, I switched from the big computer to the iPad and somehow lowered my number in line to 27,271. That sounded possible. Maybe some people would give up. Or miss their spot, as once your number came up, there was a 15 minute window to order tickets.  But no.
Instead I got this:

It's definitely been a Monday.  Maybe I should just call it a day and go on to bed. 

Ten Days In....

Ten days in ...

Ten days in to the New Year's "guidelines" and how am I doing?

Not too bad.

On "No. 1: Less sitting, more walking" I have made a dent. On the weekends I do the two mile walk each day with Carlos. Fortunately the weather has been fairly mild.  Usually by the time I get home at night, it is dark. Wednesday it started snowing about 8:00pm. What started as flurries quickly turned to buckets of snow. It had been "one of those days" at work and I needed to get out. I threw on my favorite camo quilted jumpsuit (straight from the little boys' hunting department at Murdoch's Ranch and Home Supply), grabbed a flashlight and shoved the dog out the door. It was a serenely quiet and soothing walk, snowflakes fluttering around us. (Ok, they were pretty much dive bombing us by the time we headed home...but it was still lovely.)  As quickly as the snow started, it stopped and by the next  morning there were only traces left.

As quickly as it started, it stopped.

But a walk in the snow is the most peaceful walk there is. 

No. 2: Less social media, more socializing:  Well, that social media is still out there. And I still waste time on it.
But how's this for satisfying? Every day I have hit "unsubscribe" on two or three (or more) email subscriptions. Online shopping seems to sign you up for every store related to the one you actually bought something from.  My inbox has gone from crazy to manageable.
On Facebook, I hid some people. If every other post of yours is a sales pitch for whatever,  I am not reading you anymore. There's a wonderful little click that allows me to stay friends, click on your posts if I want and otherwise ignore every single testimonial you post. Liberating. I highly recommend it.
 For the socializing aspect, I did just that. Sunday night was dinner for the neighbors. Newsflash! My living area is too small for four people. Instead we all sat around the dining table and chatted, feasted on chicken enchiladas and brownies and had a lovely little visit. Neighbor A had not met Neighbor B. That is no longer true.  It wasn't a "crappy dinner party" because I did clean and vacuum. Hey! It pretty much hadn't been done since Christmas. It was time.

 I had every intention of photographing the merriment of dinner. 

Instead I have only the aftermath. 

And Sorry, Jean Mom. 

I kind of borrowed those Mexican runners and forgot to return them.

But don't they look fun? Colorful? 

The Mexican dishes came out of the cabinet for dinner.

Nothing like enchiladas with a side of lead poisoning. 

I figure the food wasn't on the plates long enough to kill us. 

There were also a couple of dinners out, another dinner in and some plans made.  Heading to Texas in March and I'm already lining up outings. The rodeo with Martha will figure prominently into that week. Can't wait.

Martha, Me, wine, great musical acts, bunches of pretty horses.

Pretty much sums up the 2017 Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo.

No. 3 hasn't gone so well. How about lots of fruits and veggies and pasta and cheese and bread and BUTTER?  What can I say? It's winter and I want comfort food.

Chicken enchiladas with green chiles. 

And cheese. And sour cream. 

And more cheese. 

But green chiles!!! 

They are a vegetable, kind of, right? 

No. 4: Less TV, more reading has gone a little better.  I used to live in a house where the TV was always on.  The Nightly News and Letterman were my bedtime story.  (I miss Letterman. Must check out his interview with Obama on Netflix.)  I never liked that habit but somehow had continued it. No more.  I go to bed with a book or my Kindle and usually a few games of "Words with Friends".


More color? (No. 5) Not in the closet. Not yet. No shopping being done around here.
Outside, yes! Every morning I fight the urge to pull over to the side of the road and take pictures. Sunrises are amazing. The light, the colors, the mountains. It's a miracle I ever make it to work.

 Good morning! There's some color.

Ok. I did pull over for this shot. 

Right before I turned onto the highway. 

Look at that sky. 

I do have a couple of painting projects to complete which will bring more color into the house. And I made an executive decision to leave the Christmas tree up. Why not? The ornaments are leaves and pine cones and icicles highlighted with little white lights. Basically I am just bringing the outdoors in and lighting it up. The tree will come down when it is light outside when I get home. I'm thinking the beginning of March.

My rage against the dying of the light.*

A lit up tree in the house AND outside.

And No. 5: Obviously not much effort there since this is my first post in ten days. Couldn't even hit the "post once a week" goal in my first week of trying. O well.  With the help of friends I have hit on an idea for a long story, maybe even a book if I get motivated. It's all in my head right now but who knows? It will probably get typed out eventually.

And Dream Good? Only when I'm awake. The first of the year has brought absolute insanity into my work place with people fainting and yelling at each other and arguing with me and on and on and on..... At night I have passed out, dead to the world, and dreamt of nothing. But during the quiet moments of the day, my mind wanders and yes....I do Dream Good.

I hope you do too.

*from the poem by Dylan Thomas

New Year, New Plan

New Year, New Plan....

I'm not a big fan of New Year resolutions because, honestly, they never get kept.

And I'm even less a fan of setting myself up for failure.

But after seeing this copy of Woody Guthrie's 1943 "New Year's Rulins" I felt I could at least come up with some guidelines if not actual resolutions. He seems to have a handle on how start a new year.

So here goes:

1. Less sitting, more walking.  Work has too much sitting, but work also has a walking track around it.  Problem meet solution.

I'm fortunate to live in a place with so many walking trails in town. 

And even more out of town. 

Guess there's a reason Vogue magazine has listed 

Salida as one of the 9 U.S. destinations to visit in 2018.

2. Less social media, more socializing.   Visit with more people than screens. This goes along with No. 46 on the list: Have a dinner party. I like the concept of a "crappy dinner party" where the emphasis is on visiting and enjoying everyone's company rather than impersonating Martha Stewart. (Face it, Martha has a slew of helpers to pull off her magical events. The rest of us don't.)

Enamel plates make for easy clean up.

And they are fun!

3. More fruits and veggies, less bread and butter.  This one will be a challenge. It may have to be more fruits and veggies and the same amount of bread and butter.  That would at least be an improvement, right?   (Woody's No. 6 basically.)

4. Less mindless TV watching, more reading.   The TV is background noise that sucks me in.
Although when it is below freezing and dark outside, it's nice to have a little background noise.
(Just finished When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. Contemplative and sad.)

5. More color.   Look at this closet. You would think I'm in mourning. Actually I just like black and gray  but ...but... some days a little more color would be nice.

One wine sweater and a denim shirt and a LOT of black, white and gray.

The plan is to do better for Spring. 

6. Write more.   I used to be very faithful about blogging twice a week.  I miss that routine.  Working will probably make the twice a week schedule difficult, but once a week should be manageable.  Let's see.

Inspiration abounds!

O! And one more....
"Dream good."  I like that one.


Happy new beginnings.